There used to be two cars on that drive and now there is one, and he noticed the week it changed, and he has not said a word about it in five months.
Her husband died in March. He knew within about two days, the way you do, from the cars and the curtains and somebody's daughter's car being there every day for a fortnight.
And he meant to say something. He rehearsed it, actually, standing in his own kitchen: I was so sorry to hear about Ray. Six words. He had them ready.
But the first time he saw her he was carrying shopping and she was on the phone, and it did not seem right to say it across a hedge in the middle of a call. The second time was three weeks later and by then it felt late, and he thought he had probably missed the window and that raising it now would be worse than not.
Then it was June. Then it was August.
Now he times his own driveway around hers. He genuinely does this. He waits at the window until she has gone in, and he has become a man who hides in his own hall from a widow because he did not say six words in March.
That is your driveway. That is your window. And I want to talk about those six words, because you have made them enormous and they are not.
It never asked you to be good at it
There is a three-word instruction in Romans about grief, and what it does not say is the most useful part.
Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.Romans 12:15
It does not say explain to them that weep. It does not say comfort skilfully, or find the right moment, or have something wise ready. It says weep with them, which is a matter of being near somebody in their trouble rather than performing well in front of it.
You have never once needed to be good at this. Not eloquent, not timely, not composed. The written word asks for presence in somebody's grief and nothing more sophisticated, and the Holy Spirit is the One who makes that a live thing in a man in a hallway rather than a verse he has heard read.
Now let me name what actually happened in March, because you have been calling it cowardice and it was not.
You waited for the right moment. That is a decent instinct and it is what considerate people do. The trouble is that grief does not produce right moments; it produces a lot of ordinary ones, and a considerate man can stand at a window through all of them waiting for a good one to arrive.
You did not fail her in March. The written word never set a deadline on weeping with somebody. The Holy Spirit does not administer a condolence window that closed in April, and He has not been keeping score of the crossings-over since.
And now the thing you actually need, which is permission for it to come out badly.
I've been meaning to say this since March and I kept not knowing how. I was so sorry about Ray. That is not smooth. It admits the delay instead of hiding it. It is exactly the sort of thing a real person says, and it is a hundred times better than the polished version you have been unable to deliver for five months.
You are free to say it clumsily. Weep with them that weep has no adverb attached to it. The Holy Spirit gives courage for the awkward true sentence, and the awkward true sentence is the one that actually gets said.
The breakthrough is not finding words worthy of five months of silence.
It is the silence stopping today.
The awkwardness you are dreading is real and it will last about eleven seconds. Weigh eleven seconds against another year of standing in your hall watching a widow's front door, and the arithmetic answers itself.
You are able to end this tonight. The written word puts the whole requirement at being near somebody in their sorrow, and lateness does not disqualify nearness. The Holy Spirit makes that available this evening, on a driveway, in a form that admits the delay out loud.
And do not go with a plan for what happens after. She may say thank you and go in, and that is a complete and good outcome. She may talk for twenty minutes about Ray, in which case the only thing required of you is to stand there and let her. That is the whole job. Weep with them that weep does not ask you to lead.
You have everything you need for six words. The written word makes grief something you accompany rather than something you fix. The Holy Spirit does not require you to be equal to her loss, only to be present beside it, and you have been thirty feet away since March.
She is not a project and she is not a duty. She is a woman who has one car on the drive now, and a neighbor who liked her husband and has not managed to say so.
Declare this over yourself
You are in Christ and Christ is in you, so the standing to speak over your own street was given to you and no delay issues it or takes it back. Speak to the driveway and to the shame, never over that woman or her grief; both belong to God and not to your plans. What God does behind that door is His to decide, and however He answers it you are His today.
- Driveway I keep timing myself around, you are where I went quiet and you are not where I have to stay quiet. The Word of God says weep with them that weep, and there is no adverb in it about doing it well.
- Shame that says five months makes the sentence unsayable, get out of this hall in the name of Jesus. Nearness was the whole instruction, and lateness has never once disqualified a neighbor.
- God, You have been in that house since March and You are on that drive tonight. Your written Word asks me to be near and not to be eloquent, and the Holy Spirit gives courage for the clumsy true thing. I can say it here, and I am not too late.
Romans 12:15
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